Recently I had “one of those weeks.” You know, the ones where you wonder if it’s all really worth it. When you ask yourself why you should even bother washing the dishes and cleaning the kitchen again when all your hard work will only be undone before the day is out. Yeah. I have those too. In fact, it come down to spilling out all of these thoughts and emotions onto my husband before bed one night.
I told him how my job as a mom and homemaker is HARD. How it never ends. 24/7/365. Washing pots and pans, filling the dishwasher, emptying the dishwasher, washing laundry, switching laundry (when I remember), folding laundry, putting laundry away, changing diapers (I honestly don’t mind this part… it’s almost exciting because I get to put another incredibly cute cloth diaper on my little one’s backside 😊), washing diapers…twice (3 times if I have to spray soil off first), drying diapers, putting diapers away, making wipes (which I always forget to do until I need one and there are none available), picking up baby toys off the floor all. day. long., trying to figure out what on earth to eat this week, trying to figure out how to fit the ingredients for those meals into the budget, cooking, back to washing dishes… and it all starts over in the morning. And let’s not forget trying to juggle it all with a 1 year old who is getting into everything or wanting to be held all day. It’s exhausting. You know what I’m talking about.
For whatever reason, I was also remembering the “good ole days” back when I was in shape and felt energetic and enjoyed exercise and was known for my self discipline and my ability to motivate myself and get things done. (You know… back in high school when I played sports and the only thing I had to worry about was said sports and homework. 😋) I missed feeling like that and had a self realization of how out of shape and unfit I had become. I realized how much my health and wellbeing was being affected by my sedentary lifestyle. I didn’t feel energized. I felt weak. I felt stiff. I was constantly in some kind of pain from simply being a mom (you know, picking up and carrying a growing child, nursing, bending over to put the baby in and out of the crib, etc.).
And to top it all off (and probably what was making me so emotional about the whole thing), I came to a realization that, short of a miracle, it didn’t look like we were ever going to be able to afford to live the lifestyle we dreamed about as long as my husband is serving God in full-time ministry. You know, the small farm with chickens, goats, a large garden, plenty of land and a house for us to grow into; being able to feed my family organic, whole foods and not have to worry about what I’m putting in and on their bodies. Being able to teach our children responsibility and good work ethic because things on a farm HAVE to be done whether we feel like it or not (yes, I know… I’m weird to want that). Allowing our children to grow up outside with plenty of space to explore and learn about God’s creation. And my list goes on… But we simply cannot afford it. 😔
I was having a great big, woe-is-me PITY PARTY! And my husband was invited! And my sister… I text her about my frustrations too because, you know, misery loves company (and she always gives pretty good advice, even though she’s 3 years younger than me).
And you know what, my sister did say something that made me think (my husband was helpful too, but I’ll share that in a different post). I had told her that I wanted this dream life while my children are still young so they can grow up in this Utopia I had created inside my head. You know what she said… “Just remember that it is in [God’s] timing. Even if it’s 5 years away, [they] will still be young… Let God give you peace while you wait.” (I should also mention that she was giving me this advice while she was sitting in a hospital bed having heart problems.) She also gave me this passage:
Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee. Trust ye in the Lord for ever: for in the Lord Jehovah is everlasting strength:
Unfortunately I didn’t look up that verse until later, but what it taught me (along with other little blessings God sent me throughout the following week) was to pray without ceasing and trust His timing. Sometimes I find myself wondering again, “What if…” But I have to remind myself that I have to keep my focus on what GOD wants for my life right now, not what I want. If it’s in His plan, He will make it happen. In the mean time, we just have to keep doing the best we can to live and provide the best we can afford for our family until God sees fit to move.
I’m not saying it’s easy. I’m not saying that I don’t wish there was a way to make it happen sooner. But I have to trust God to keep us safe and protect us while we do the best we can in the place He has put us.
God is good…All the time. We just have to take the time to notice and count our blessings.